If only .

If it's one thing that i completely and honestly hate , is being at home with non-stop arguments , and having to deal with a father that has so much pride , thats too big for him to swallow , a father that's completely disrespectful to his wife , & his daughter. That father who thinks they have all the common sense , when really there's non at all what so ever . I can't stand how I always have to sit here and isolate myself from my family. I'd go out there and spend time with them like i used to, but spending time is not raising our voices, asking questions that don't have answers, and watching television all day as if that is the definition of being a family -_- . I mean really now ? I understand how stressed he is, I understand how he's sick of things . But he doesn't have to take it out on us . Or blame us for his high blood pressure and what not . If he was more reasonable & respectful , then all of this anger and tiredness inside of me would all fade. But coming home greeting someone on the couch, and then putting you down or nagging at you is not the daily life i want to be living in. I'm sick of it , and this is the reason why i love going out , & why i take every advantage of my alone time & fresh air.

Even though i feel like this everyday , i'm blogging right now because of the fact that i share something that means so much to me. Something that i've witnessed at church , & definitely touched me and see things differently . And i get put downs, and doubts in return from him . He irritates me because everytime i come back from church, i get nothing but bullshit from him . He doesn't believe what i believe , and even when i tell him about miracles that i saw with my own eyes, he still doesn't believe and he laughs at me because he thinks im a fool thats following nothing but dirty tricks . He calls him self a follower , & a believer . He's a liar . He can think what he wants to think , but as for me I'll do the same . i'll believe what i want to believe. Like some say "They won't believe til i see it." I believed & followed God before i saw miracles , & tonight i definitely saw miracles & of course i still believe .

I'm just mad, because all i want is him to see and understand how much church means to me. I'm just mad because I can't even persuade him to come to church with me for Fathers day, or mothers day. Or picnics and etc... Honestly , all the years that i've asked him to come, it's always been a no . Just once, if he came just for me at least , I'd honestly would cry . Cheesy yea ? But true . I just know, that if my dad were to ever be saved, things would definitely change .


Random thought / Message :
You piss me off, you're stuck up, your ego is huge , you have no respect , no common sense , you're like a ticking bomb , you depend on us to serve you 24/7 , you lock me in , you judge me , you judge my friends , you're a shit talker , two faced person , you don't know the real definition of being a man , but yet , You're my Dad. The Dad that has unconditional love for his family. & even though you do wrong, you'd still walk through fire for us, though you have bad traits, you still put us first regardless . But i hate how you can ruin my day by just speaking or making a remark . But in all , I still have love & i try to give as much respect to you. I'm just praying for change .